I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
