I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
