I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
