Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
