It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
