I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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