I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
