shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
