so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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