Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
