I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
