Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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