i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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