i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
