apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
