just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
