Nicole vs. Life
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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