I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
