I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
