Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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