I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
