YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
