Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
