Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
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Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
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My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.