and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich