Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
