Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There's always time for handjobs
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
