I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
