I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
