Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
