if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
