I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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