you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i think i have two assholes
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
