i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
