My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
