Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
