Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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