4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
