I need to stop coming to work sober
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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