I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
