i don't plan on having that self control this summer
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
