Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
why is half of my head shaved?
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