Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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