Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
