2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
