so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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