Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
