a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
