Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
