So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
