I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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