chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
