I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
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James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i am craving dick and cupcakes
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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