My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
