Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I believe in your delicious
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
