Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
