I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
