I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
